im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize