Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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