Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
