Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
