Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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