my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
