who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
