Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
