Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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