All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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