Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize