I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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