New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
