Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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