I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
