the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
