my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
