Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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