On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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