Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
