Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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