Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
