I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
