we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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