Have you finally orgasmed yet?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
