omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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