wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
