after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
