I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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