dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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