I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
