my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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