We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
