the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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