That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize