My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
