Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
