I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
