It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
