I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
