Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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