you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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