i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
