but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
