You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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