The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize