I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
