wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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