it's too hot outside to masturbate.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
