I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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