I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
