His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Randomize
