You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
