when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
