My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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