If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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