Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pooping to opera.
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