It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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