You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
