I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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